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What December Means To Me

Life has a different feel at Christmastime. It just does. For me, that special feeling always begins some time in December. It usually happens the very first morning I’m confronted with an explosion of festive illuminated displays throughout the neighborhoods, while heading to Starbucks before the dawn’s early light. The start of the holiday season is often confirmed around the same time when Christmas carols, both the classics and new renditions (some good, most bad), seep into the playlists resonating in our malls, grocery stores, restaurants, and even our phones when we are (im)patiently on hold.

Christmas is my favorite thing about the month of December. I’ve asked it before, and I’ll ask it again: What’s not to love about a day in which we can celebrate both Jesus and Santa? Mankind seems to be a bit nicer when December 25th is in our sights, save for the lunatic scrooges engaging in fisticuffs over Black Friday deals. The missus and I never succumbed to the antics of lunatic scrooges, but we did partake in our fair share of questionably insane behavior on Black Fridays – back in the day. Once, we were on the road before sunup, traveling about 40 minutes to the big city, for the sole purpose of surprising our nieces on Christmas Day with their preferred NSYNC dolls (at a bargain price). Justin Timberlake for the one niece, and Lance Bass for the other.

Another time, my lovely wife and I made the seemingly traditional trip west to save a few bucks on a Pokémon Yellow Nintendo video game for our son. It was a frigid morning as we stood in line outside Target, before any rooster could have had an inkling yet to crow. Some employees of the store were kind enough to serve hot chocolate (marshmallows included) to all of us shivering in the lengthy line. After frostbite had settled in, and a few conversations with people donning mucus icicles from their rosy noses were had, the doors to the store were finally unlocked, and one of the most coveted gifts of the season was ours!

We are told it is better to give than to receive. But receiving is pretty darn good, too. It has also been said that Christmas is for kids. Well, I must disagree because as an adult advanced in years, I can attest that I still possess the emotion of overwhelming excitement whenever holding a freshly wrapped present in my hands. The Christmas gifts of my youth were certainly what made my childhood and adolescent years so special. Waking up to find what Santa had left under the tree, or around the tree, or sometimes even in the basement, are precious memories never to be forgotten. A brand new bicycle, a pogo stick, stilts, a BB gun, and a handheld electronic football game were just a few of my favorite Christmas gifts as a youngster. Also, anything Dallas Cowboys. I was almost as fascinated with the team’s big star logo as I was with the illustrious Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. Almost.

I remember some amazing “family gifts” good old St. Nick left us, as well. Sure we had to take turns, but we were used to it, and having to share was just the price we paid for receiving such nice presents. Like a pool table, and the original Atari gaming system. Every Christmas morning there was always at least one delivered gift from Santa to be elated over. And we didn’t even have a chimney for the jolly one to come down. That Claus character is something else, although Santa can’t hold a candle to Jesus. As a Christ follower, Christmas means absolutely nothing to me without, “For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:11) So, this is what December means to me. What does December mean to you?


What November Means To Me

Aah, there’s nothing quite like the political landscape during the month of November. The traditional stench of candidates flip-flopping on major issues to appease undecided voters, and millionaires masquerading as commonfolk in hopes of manipulating people into choosing them on election day. And let’s not forget about all those ugly smear campaigns, mudslinging, and asinine accusations wafting in the crisp November air. Or all the agenda-driven citizens’ initiatives, immersed in confusing legal jargon, polluting our ballot forms.

Aah, ’tis the season fraught with incivility, worthless (and annoying) campaign signs, cries of voter fraud and voter intimidation, poorly marked ballots and “hanging chads,” the Electoral College vs. the popular vote arguments, and then ultimately the denying of election results. Luckily, or maybe intentionally, our elections are held prior to Thanksgiving, so at the very least we can always count on being thankful that the election cycle has finally come to a close.

Once the ridiculousness of November’s election has ended, and we’ve maybe tried to make peace with the results, we can now focus on the month’s main event. As if we really need to be told when to be thankful. If Thanksgiving is the only time throughout the year when one ponders their blessings, I’d say that person is missing the Mayflower (aka boat). I am so very thankful for my faith, family, and friends all year long. Therefore, although I am not a fan of transitioning (if you know what I mean) I have no problem whatsoever with transitioning from Halloween straight to Christmas.

So, for me, the Thanksgiving holiday is entirely about the food. And football. But mostly about the food. A menu consisting of ham, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes and gravy, and apple pie is perfectly fine, but turkey, stuffing, rolls, and pumpkin pie are mandatory, for my happiness on Thanksgiving day. Also cranberry sauce. Not the traditional homemade whole berry cranberry sauce, but my traditional jiggly wiggly kind from a can. And no, I did not forget about the green bean casserole. No thank you! The appearance, the texture, and the taste of the customary side dish is nothing I can get excited about. Neither is mincemeat pie, for that matter. (Sorry Father.) The offensive “dessert” was one of the many staples offered during my childhood Thanksgivings in Joplin, Missouri.

The massive menu my grandma would put forth each year was second to none. Us Iowans could always count on the traditional fare, but once in a while an additional oddity would make its way onto the table. One time it was deer, and another time it was quail ( a no-no in Arizona because quail are beloved creatures in these parts). I do remember Bambi tasting pretty good, but you had to be mindful of the buckshot with each bite of quail. I believe the atypical cuisine was the doing of my hunting kinfolk – not my grandma’s. Anyway, I think I’ll stick with the turkey. So, this is what November means to me. What does November mean to you?


What October Means To Me

Halloween! There’s no way around it. To me, the month of October means all things Halloween: the scary decorations, creative costumes, haunted houses, and trick-or-treating. What else am I going to say? “Whenever I think of October, I think of Columbus Day.”? I don’t think so. Besides, October 14th is also Indigenous Peoples’ Day (added to the calendar in 2021). Take that Christopher! Or maybe I should be concentrating on wishing everyone a very happy Global Handwashing Day on October 15th. (What, just one day for handwashing?) Again, I don’t think so.

I will, however, acknowledge that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. My lovely wife and I are anticipating 5 years cancer-free this coming January. For her. That’s not a joke – just a clarification. Men can get breast cancer, too. The missus’ former high school classmate (and class president) Pete, recently passed away from the disease. Sorry for the sobering slight detour. Now back to all things Halloween.

Let’s start by putting the whole candy corn controversy to rest. Brach’s Candy Corn is awesome! For some reason, throughout the ages there have been people out there who are adamant in their stance against the uniquely made sweet treat. What’s not to love about candy corn’s wonderful tri-colored pyramid-shape and its one-of-a-kind texture? I think one would have to be somewhat of a sweet confection bigot to be anti-candy corn. And I’d certainly hate to think anyone out there would be pro-prejudice.

For those still on the fence regarding the seasonal, sensational sweet treat, I would suggest adding a few peanuts into the mix to put you over the edge. A two peanut to one candy corn ratio is optimal. The concoction tastes exactly like a Pearson’s Salted Nut Roll candy bar. Who doesn’t enjoy a sweet and salty sensation in their mouth? So, are you convinced yet? If not, now you’re just trying to be difficult, and there’s really nothing left to say on the subject. Except as the Good Book says, there is “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time for candy corn.” At least I think that’s what it says in Ecclesiastes. Regardless, as for me and my house, we will be celebrating National Candy Corn Day on October 30th.

Halloween isn’t just about candy corn. It’s also about Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, Twix, Kit Kat, Butterfinger, Milky Way, Baby Ruth, and even Skittles if you’re so inclined. And most-definitely it’s about Almond Joy! Nothing says October like an Almond Joy. You know the jingle, “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. Almond Joy’s got nuts, Mounds don’t…”. Call me crazy, but I always feel like a nut. On second thought, maybe don’t call me crazy because that would be downright insensitive and politically incorrect.

What is crazy though, during the month of October, is all the pumpkin spice nonsense. I know, I know. Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte is to die for – at least that’s what I’ve been told. But do we really need pumpkin spice croissants, English muffins, granola bars, oatmeal, pretzels, and popcorn? And what about pumpkin spice breakfast cereals? There’s Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes, Pumpkin Spice Special K, and Pumpkin Spice Life cereal, just to name a few. I am somewhat of a cereal connoisseur, and let me tell you Pumpkin Spice Cheerios just ain’t happening. Enough already!

Now pumpkin spice certainly has its place in this world. I’m all in on pumpkin bread, pumpkin bars, Four Peaks Double Pumpkin Porter, and of course pumpkin pie. But that last one may just be reserved for next month. So, this is what October means to me. What does October mean to you?


23

It has been 23 years since our nation was attacked on September 11th, 2001. Twenty-three years of missing loved ones. Twenty-three years of what ifs. Possibly twenty-three years of guilt. Imagine if one’s last words to a spouse, parent, sibling or friend, prior to the twin towers tumbling down, were not the kindest of words. Or maybe twenty-three years of anger. Angry at how the horrific event was allowed to happen on American soil. Angry at how something so tragic has been politicized over the last two decades. And angry at how our leaders can talk a good game when it comes to our national security, but are we really that confident another awful event like 9/11 won’t happen again?

I can hardly imagine going through anything remotely similar to the events of September 11th, without having faith. Faith in something greater than myself. Faith in knowing that this life is not the end-all. And faith in knowing my Comforter is right beside me at all times, and He can truly empathize because He too has experienced sadness, anguish, and pain. My faith comes from my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. With that faith, God will supply everything we need to persevere throughout our trials. Even our 9/11s. My heart goes out to those who’ve experienced their own 9/11s without the hope and assurance that comes from faith in Christ.

Psalm 23 of the Holy Bible boils down to a loving list of what God gives to those who say yes to Him. The following is Psalm 23 as found in the ESV (English Standard Version). Included in parenthesis is a popular line-by-line explanation of each verse. “The Lord is my shepherd (That’s a relationship); I shall not want (That’s supply). He makes me lie down in green pastures (That’s rest). He leads me beside still waters (That’s refreshment). He restores my soul (That’s healing). He leads me in paths of righteousness (That’s guidance) for his name’s sake (That’s purpose).

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (That’s testing), I will fear no evil (That’s protection), for you are with me (That’s faithfulness); your rod and your staff, they comfort me (That’s discipline). You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies (That’s hope); you anoint my head with oil (That’s consecration); my cup overflows (That’s abundance). Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life (That’s blessing), and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” So, we can see the Shepherd is always there for those who allow Him to lead. And He will never forsake us because God is on our side. He was there with us 23 years ago, and He is here with us today!


I Have (Part 2)

Welcome back! And now for part 2. I have had some wonderful travel experiences in my lifetime. I’m sure they are not unique to many, yet I know they are foreign to some. I have been to Vegas (not a fan) and to Hawaii (a big fan). I have crossed the Golden Gate Bridge, been to the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, and have visited the Grand Canyon – even before taking up residency in Arizona. I have been to Disney World in Orlando, the Alamo in San Antonio, and have seen both the cracked Liberty Bell and bronze Rocky Balboa statue in Philadelphia.

I have seen a Broadway play in New York City, as well as the Radio City Rockettes’ Christmas Spectacular. I have been to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. I have attended concerts galore. From the soothing sounds of Neil Diamond and Air Supply to the in your face music of Korn, Megadeth, and Motley Crue. I have felt the Holy Spirit’s presence at concerts given by Bride, Stryper, and Thousand Foot Krutch. And I have been mesmerized, on two separate occasions, while watching the eccentric Prince perform his electric one-of-a-kind show on stage.

I have also been mesmerized while out to sea. I have been on a Caribbean cruise, and seeing nothing but water in every direction is a sight to behold. There were many excursions offered at the various ports along the way, so I have gone horseback riding, parasailing, snorkeling, and even experienced SNUBA. SNUBA is a combination of snorkeling and SCUBA diving which allows for divers to go 20 ft below the surface without having to lug around any heavy equipment. The air tanks stay aboard the boat, directly above the ocean explorers.

I have been first in line whenever a unique experience has presented itself. As a self-professed thrill-seeker, I have gone ziplining through the redwoods of California and skydiving at the world’s largest skydiving center in Eloy, Arizona. I know there are some who would not entertain the idea of jumping out of a perfectly safe plane, but my son is not one of them. He followed in his father’s footsteps a few years later when he became of age. My wife, on the other hand, has no desire to take the thrilling plunge, but she was there in support of me (on solid ground) when I did the deed. I left her a love letter – just in case, before boarding the plane. It was not to be opened unless I met my ultimate demise. Well, I’m still here, but the missus read the letter soon after takeoff. Women.

I have been to a Super Bowl. Shortly after our move to Arizona, our beloved Cardinals earned a trip to Super Bowl XLIII. Although the Cardinals were severe underdogs, with Kurt Warner at the helm anything seemed possible. Our home team came up a wee bit short in the end, but attending an event of that magnitude was still probably worth the pain of the loss. We just about had to take out a second mortgage to afford the extravagant sporting event.

I have also attended numerous college football games, a few collegiate basketball games, and one college baseball game (again, Go Sun Devils!). I have seen a few professional baseball games in my lifetime as well. Of course, I have been to a Diamondbacks game. Also two St. Louis Cardinals games when my beautiful newlywed and I were on our honeymoon in 1987. When she agreed to go to the games, I knew she was a keeper. In fact, she chose the Cardinals’ second baseman, Tommy Herr, as her favorite player. She thought he was pretty good-looking. I didn’t mind too much because he had long permed hair just like me.

But my first Major League Baseball game was when I was 14 years-old in 1980. My extended family took the “Blue Goose” ( what seemed to me to be a retired Greyhound bus) to a Kansas City Royals game. This was the year when George Brett was flirting with the elusive .400 batting average for most of the season. I was so excited to see the future Hall of Famer in action, but to my dismay George did not play in the game that day. I had the pleasure of watching Dave Chalk at third base instead of one of my baseball idols. It just wasn’t the same, but it was my first MLB game, so I did enjoy the experience nonetheless.

I have also been to a Harlem Globetrotters basketball game. This was in the good ol’ days when the team’s main stars were Curly Neal and Meadowlark Lemon – and no girls were allowed. Did I just write that? I believe the Globetrotters actually lost that evening to their traveling rivals, the Washington Generals. I suppose the favorite team had to lose once in a while to give the illusion that the game was a genuine competition and not rigged. The night was special regardless of the game’s outcome because it was one on one time with my father. And that was a little hard to come by with my three siblings also vying for my parents’ attention in our 750 sq ft home.

It may seem as though I have been boasting about my life, but that was not my intention. Bragging is for the Facebook and other social media platforms. Although I personally have no desire to go viral, be a social media influencer, or an attention whore. It’s just when one takes the time to reflect on his years – and in my case there’s been many – there can be a lot to uncover. I am not blind to the fact I have been blessed beyond measure to have experienced all that I have. I guess what we have here is my autobiography in a nutshell.


I Have

I have lived a good life. A simple life, for the most part. I have experienced a greater share of the norms associated with what life is suppose to look like as a human being living on planet Earth. I went to school, played sports, graduated, got a job, got married, and raised a child. I have gone to church, to weddings, and to funerals during my lifetime. Pretty basic stuff.

Maybe not so basic is the fact I married my high school sweetheart after four years of dating, and we’re still together 37 years after saying our I dos. Maybe not so basic is when the missus and I decided to uproot our lives by following our son out of state so he could attend the college of his choice. (Go Sun Devils!) And when he moved back to Iowa, we stayed in Arizona. Maybe also not so basic is that I have floundered in the job market, never really finding my niche, while my lovely wife was passionate about her career choice even before graduating high school.

Although I really haven’t had a career, I have enjoyed trying my hand at numerous occupations. I have been a janitor, a grill cook, and a maintenance man. I have worked in an office, and I have stocked books and magazines. I have filled in as a garbageman (qualified) and as a land surveyor (absolutely not qualified). And I even dabbled in the entertainment industry – getting myself a headshot and signing with a talent agency. I was in a few commercials and workplace training videos, mostly as background, during my brief “acting” career.

I have also owned and operated a fairly successful small business. Overseeing Mac’s Compact Disc Shop for five years was by far my favorite occupation. My passion for music on a quality format was evident by my extensive personal CD collection. (I have 1,216 CDs to date.) My lofty goal was to eventually have a chain of Mac’s stores, but then I saw the writing on the wall. Digital downloads were becoming a thing. A big thing! So I got out while the getting was good.

However, now without the overhead of a brick and mortar store, I was able to remain in the CD game by offering a free delivery service to my loyal customers who hated to see me go. Instead of delivering pizzas, I delivered compact discs. I would say my Mac’s CD Delivery Service was quite innovative for the times because entities including Amazon did not offer delivery way back when. I continued my unconventional business practice, for many years, until our move to Arizona.

Because of Mac’s, I have spoken at a city council meeting. When a teen curfew was being considered by the city of Newton, I knew it could possibly affect my sales since I sometimes held midnight events for highly anticipated new releases. And the teens of the town were mostly the ones to show up to those events. Newly recorded music was not to be sold until its specific release date, so I’d occasionally open Mac’s at midnight, for an hour or so, to get a jump on the competition. As an independent business, I had to offer something a little different to go up against the mighty Wal-Mart and other chain stores.

Hence, I went to a city council meeting and voiced my concerns. While at the podium, I addressed the city’s leaders and several others in attendance. Of course the city’s gonna do what the city’s gonna do, so inevitably the 11 p.m. teen curfew was enacted. The funny thing is, the new law did not seem to affect my business whatsoever. The teenagers continued to show up at my midnight events – some with a parent – and some “illegally.”

Back then, actually speaking in front of an audience was big for me. I used to believe I was shy, so public speaking terrified me. This reminds me of a Jerry Seinfeld bit. “According to most studies, people’s number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” I, personally, wouldn’t be willing to go that far.

I am now nine paragraphs in, and akin to the Carpenters, “I’ve only just begun.” I have a vast memory, an overactive mind, and a tendency to be a tad long-winded at times. (Obviously.) Therefore, I have decided to make this blog a two-parter. Please look for the continuation of “I Have” coming soon to a screen near you.


What August And September Mean To Me

Sorry August. Sorry September. Neither of you mean enough to me to write about each of you individually. Hey August, at least September gave us Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September” and Neil Diamond’s “September Morn.” I realize you did give both my lovely wife and my precious son to me many years ago, in which I’m forever grateful, but what have you done for me lately? No offense to anyone who cherishes those two months, for whatever reasons. And I don’t haphazardly mean no offense, like in the “you look and smell as though you haven’t showered in quite some time – no offense” sort of way. I genuinely mean the sentiment because I’m well aware many stupendous events happen to people all year round.

And August and September are no exceptions. I just tend to view those two months as only one entity. I think it’s most-likely because school is always back in session, depending on where one resides, in either August or September. Therefore, in my mind I’ve boiled down those two months into a singular meaning: The summer is over and it’s time for lock-up once again. I know technically summer does not end until on or around September 21st, but it certainly feels like summer is over once the kiddos are headed back to school.

I can recall when I was a child and being able to sense when re-entering the prison system was right around the corner. As a youngster, I paid no attention to the calendar hanging on the wall. In fact, I’m pretty sure I didn’t even know how to interpret a calendar way back when. But I didn’t need to see the numerous Back To School commercials on TV, or anyone telling me my time was almost up, either. I had a different surefire way of knowing when the carefree life I had been living was now doomed.

Aurora Heights Elementary School was just up the street from my house, so I had many opportunities to pass by the brick laden prison during my summer vacation. But once the aromas of bleach, fresh paint, and newly laid carpet began wafting from the intimidating structure and into my young nostrils, I knew what little freedom I had as a young boy was ever so close to being exchanged for another year of structured confinement. Obviously, my use of hyperbole regarding school is mostly for effect. Having to go to school all those years really wasn’t that bad. Or was it? So, this is what August and September mean to me. What does August and September mean to you?


I Have Never

I have never robbed a bank or a convenience store, for that matter. I have never murdered another human being or have taken up residency in a prison cell. I have never laid atop a crocodile like Steve Irwin or stuck my head inside a lion’s mouth. And I have never been to the Arctic Circle or scaled Mount Everest. I would venture to say the majority of us have never done any of those things – and probably never will. But there are some things I have never done in my lifetime that may surprise you.

For instance, I have never been on the Facebook (my wife loves it when I talk that way). I have never sent a text or tweeted (or Xed if that’s what it’s called now). I have never banked on-line. And I have never filled out my annual income tax returns any other way than with pen and paper in hand. I think what we’re learning here, as if we didn’t already know, is that I’m not really what one would call a technology buff. I don’t judge (too much) those who have done all those things, but they’re just not for me.

My lovely wife and I decided early on we did not want any temptations of “the grass being greener on the other side” that the Facebook seems to offer. I have never sent a text because I don’t know how to or even if my cellphone is capable of such a thing. Notice I said cellphone – not smartphone. My one and only phone is of course a flip phone. And I only possess it because the missus is concerned for my welfare in case of an emergency, and she wants to be able to get ahold of me when I’m sipping coffee at Starbucks. I am perfectly content with only e-mail, snail mail, and employing my wife (for free) as my personal assistant, for communicating with the outside world.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! I have never had an energy drink. Not one. Not a Red Bull, Monster, Rock Star, Bang, Celsius, Guru, or even a 5-hour Energy Shot. How can that be so? Well, the concept and the cost of energy drinks have just never appealed to me. Besides, I have a knack of creating my own energy by getting enough sleep and by self motivation. On the rare occasion I feel “too tired” to workout, I have found that a 20 minute nap does wonders and will give me the energy needed to go on. I’m actually not one to fall asleep quickly, so my nap is more of a rest with my eyes closed and no distractions, but it does perk me up enough to proceed. And the cost of energy drinks…fuhgeddaboudit!

Speaking of drinks, and let’s face it – my frugality as well, I have never purchased bottled water at any event I’ve attended. (Yes, I do have some bottled water in my fridge at this very moment, but it was bought in bulk at a very discounted price – and on sale!) Many venues will offer free parking or other perks, knowing they’ll be able to make up any lost revenue by screwing the attendees with their outrageously priced bottled water. I choose not to be screwed. Believe me, I’ve been insanely thirsty at an event or two – I do live in the desert, you know – but I refuse to give price gougers any satisfaction at my expense.

I am also not willing to pay for health services I deem unnecessary. To each their own, but I have never been to a chiropractor, had a colonoscopy, or been vaccinated for the flu, covid, or shingles. The times I’ve had a crick in my neck, or my back feels out of whack, I’ve gotten relief simply by hanging from something for a spell. Other times I’ve done nothing and eventually the discomfort subsides. That reminds me of something a former boss of mine used to say: “If you ignore a problem long enough, it might just go away.” Good advice?

Having a colonoscopy does not appeal to me. Does inserting a long tube through the anus and into the rectum and colon appeal to anyone? I’m probably even more turned off by the fact of having to spend an entire day on the crapper prior to the exploratory procedure. AARP recommends not having colonoscopies after the age of 70, because the intrusive procedure can do more harm than good at that point. So I think I’ll just cross my fingers while biding my time until I hit that magic number.

I am not an anti-vaxer per say, but I do believe big pharma puts profit over people. And I believe politicians place special interests above common sense. Therefore, I think it’s okay to be wary of vaccines and have some questions, but that’s not the world we live in today. Unfortunately, we are expected to just do as we are told. I will not. I have not had a bout of flu in well over 17 years, and I survived two stints of covid. For me, I’d rather continue building up my immunity naturally than artificially through vaccinations. I certainly have had many experiences over the years, and have done many things in my lifetime, but I have never done any of those things.


What July Means To Me

Independence Day is what July means to me. Not because the 4th of July commemorates the Declaration of Independence which established the good ol’ U.S. of A., although that is significant and should be celebrated, but because of the numerous fond childhood memories I hold from scores of Independence Days gone by. Sometimes I can only recall a snippet here, or a snippet there, of a specific 4th of July I experienced as a child growing up in Iowa. However, there are also times when the memories of my youth seem so vivid. Like the memory I have of my Uncle Bill flying a kite.

In fact, it’s the only time I can recall my very manly uncle ever flying a kite. Our entire clan was gathered together on the lawn of Newton’s one and only high school, waiting for the city’s fireworks display to begin. With surrounding sparklers sizzling, and enthusiastic chatter abound, I remember my sole focus was on that kite. Even the patriotic music being transmitted by our local AM radio station, that could be heard humming through the numerous nearby transistor radios, could not distract me. I continued watching the diamond-shaped plastic bird on a string soar higher and higher in the dimly lit sky, until it was barely visible to the naked eye. It’s strange really, how seemingly insignificant snippets of early life can stand out when one becomes later in years.

Many Independence Days in corn country meant honoring my family’s traditional agenda, featuring the city’s parade at 9AM, a day’s long cookout, and fireworks at 9PM – give or take depending on the cooperation of the twilight’s last gleaming. Plenty of townsfolk would line the downtown streets of Newton every 4th of July to take in the modest parade. As a child, the patriotic event meant catching candy, tossed from the colorful floats, and hoping to catch a glimpse of some clowns’ wild antics. It also meant the ritual of receiving red, white and blue stickers and buttons from super friendly, well-dressed adults. As an adult, I realized most of the distributed sweet treats, and those red, white and blue campaign stickers and buttons, were the local politicians’ way of infiltrating the city’s registered voters’ households by using their children. Not cool.

Regardless of age, the mainstay of Newton’s 4th of July parades were and always will be the John Deere tractors. Different years and models – but tractor after tractor after tractor would sputter by in one tremendously long, single file line. And let me tell you, tractors don’t move all that fast. As a youngster, and even as an adult, it’s not difficult for one’s patience to wear thin during the John Deere portion of the parade. My gosh, you’d think the town’s entire population of 15,000 were all farmers!

My clan’s Independence Day cookouts were always about the food. Not necessarily about which dishes were offered, but the quantity of food garnered the most importance. Nobody would be hungry by day’s end – or the next day. In between bites, we found time to play intense games of croquet and yard jarts (not to be confused with today’s lame lawn darts). Back then, jarts had genuine metal points which could do some serious bodily harm if mishandled…and we liked it that way. Real points, for real men.

My family’s 4th of Julys in Newton always included us lighting some snakes and sparklers while awaiting the city’s fireworks display to begin. I was always a little more fascinated by the snakes than I was the sparklers. Sure, what young lad doesn’t enjoy holding a stick of fire in his hand? But there was just something so mesmerizing about watching a small black tablet mutate into an erratic slithering trail of thickened ash. Once, my uncle (yes, the one and the same, Uncle Bill) hosted an informal fireworks show in his backyard. Sure, my uncle broke the law by smuggling the forbidden product across state lines from Missouri (fireworks were illegal in Iowa at that time) but it was easy for him to do so with his extensive experience as a trucker.

My favorite 4th of Julys were the ones spent with family at Adventureland Park in Altoona, Iowa. My father would load up the Ford station wagon and then drive us over to my Aunt Marlena and – you guessed it – Uncle Bill’s house, so our families could caravan to the amusement park. The seemingly long journey, at least to us kids, in reality was only about a 25 minute jaunt. And we knew regardless of how long it was going to take us to get there that any day at Adventureland Park was going to be a fun-filled day. The proof is in the park’s decades’ long catchy jingle: “Come on over to Adventureland, you’re gonna have a fun-filled day.” See?!

Tradition dictated always boarding the miniature train, located immediately inside the park, for our first “thrilling ride” of the day. Each and every year, as the slow-moving locomotive chugged along throughout the park, I was always thinking to myself, “C’mon, move it! I’m here for the rollercoasters!” But some of my family could only handle so much, so for them it was just the train, the tea cups, the merry-go-round, and the Ferris wheel as their only rides for the entire day. At least those with sensitive stomachs also had Skee-Ball and Wac-A-Mole in the arcade area to keep them entertained. But we all did.

The funny thing is – the more I’ve aged, the less my tum-tum appreciates any ride that goes round and round – like the tea cups and the merry-go-round. However, I can still sleep at night and feel like a manly man because I still haven’t lost my affinity for extreme rollercoasters. And my stomach can still tolerate them, at least to the point of keeping my lunch down, as was confirmed just last month when my wife, and son and I revisited Adventureland Park some twenty-plus years later. (Shout out to the Monster and the Dragon Slayer.)

Speaking of lunch, tradition also dictated pressing the pause button on fun each year, for a late lunch back at the station wagon. The break from the excitement of the park was only acceptable to me because of the gobs of food and drink awaiting us in the parking lot. There was always fried chicken, an assortment of side dishes, and a variety of desserts. And every flavor of ice cold Hy-Vee pop (soda for those not familiar with the language of the Midwest). The liquid heaven was quite the treat since my family rarely consumed pop at home, and we certainly never had a choice of exotic flavors. Only cola.

Therefore, I made it my life’s mission to consume a can each of every good flavor, whenever we’d celebrate the 4th of July at Adventureland. Strawberry, black cherry, orange, grape, root beer, and cream soda were always targeted for my consumption before re-entering the park. Obviously, cola and any diet pop were exempt from my list. Whether celebrating Independence Day on the lawn of the high school, inside the gates of Adventureland Park, or in the now infamous Uncle Bill’s backyard, every 4th of July during my childhood always concluded with my family admiring the bombs bursting in air. So, this is what July means to me. What does July mean to you?


Maybe Tomorrow

The year is 2024. The 10th of June. Destination known: Phoenix, Arizona. It’s 5:50 p.m. and never have I experienced such uncertainty while innocently sitting in my seat onboard an American Airlines airplane. Two full hours after taking my uncomfortable assigned seat, in Des Moines, Iowa, the steel bird has yet to leave its nest. Well, I guess the CRJ700 Canadair Regional Jet did sort of taxi the runway, for a hot minute, before ultimately coming to an abrupt halt. That’s the extent of excitement, experienced by the passengers and crew onboard this smaller plane, in the last 150 minutes.

The reported problem is the left engine just won’t start for takeoff. All we need, sayeth the pilot, is for a maintenance person to come on out and manually attempt to start the engine. That doesn’t sound too difficult. Safe? I don’t know. But surely not too difficult. Oh, what do we have here? Could it be? Why yes, it’s our possible savior with a wrench in hand. Only a wrench? At least it’s a big one! Finally, we won’t be fidgetily sitting here all for naught.

But wait. What good really is a maintenance man with a big wrench? Come to find out, not much if you don’t have rampers (whatever that is) to help execute starting an engine by hand. It appears to be a team effort. You need a guy with a big wrench AND some rampers. We do have three rampers, but it was just announced we need four, and it’s not looking very promising because any remaining rampers on site have been prioritized to getting other flyers to their Charlotte, North Carolina destination. Good for them! (Stupid Charlotte.)

The good news is the man in charge of lavatory waste has had ample time to drain the unflushable toilet stationed directly behind us. Yes, the toilet is not working properly, and yes, my lovely wife and I are seated in the very last row of the 78 passenger plane. We’re just two of four confused Caucasians waiting patiently in the back of the plane. (Thank you Rosa Parks – equality – as it should be!) Not everyone is being as patient as the white foursome in seats 75-78. Snide comments, empty (hopefully) threats, and boisterous chatter are wafting in the humid airplane air. I may detect a hint of upheaval coming very soon.

Hallelujah! The fourth ramper is here! A tarmac revolt may have just been averted. The captain is making an announcement, as he has been doing off and on (mostly off) for the past nearly three-hour ordeal, to keep us all apprised of the situation at hand. He “comforts” the ancy, possible future mob by telling us they are now ready to try to manually start the engine, and either it will work and we’ll be on our way to Arizona, or it won’t work and he’s not sure where we’d go from there. Comforting, like I said.

Some time has passed, and then some more time, before the pilot of the steel bird informs us that the manual engine start did not work. And a crew from – did he just say Michigan? – I know he said some state that started with an M – will soon be sent to hopefully get the plane up to snuff. Thankfully (maybe legally?) the captain continues on with saying he can’t keep us onboard for several more hours, so we have permission to deboard the plane. Permission? I think at this point we are all getting off this plane – with or without permission!

It’s still 2024. The 10th of June. But it’s now well after 9 p.m. and the missus and I are right back where we started – at the American Airlines ticket counter. Destination still known: Phoenix, Arizona. But there are no more flights this evening. Maybe tomorrow.